When a Tree Falls, a Bush Grows

When a Tree Falls, a Bush Grows

Republican Strategy to Elect Jeb Bush

The same day that George W. Bush won the 2004 presidential election, scientists announced that the Arctic glaciers are melting at an accelerated speed as a result of increased global warming. This is evidence that the current administration is using its environmental policies to try to flood the Northeast, thereby drowning all U.S. citizens north of Virginia. This will give the Republican Party a guaranteed majority for decades to come, while at the same time removing Canada as a refuge for secular humanists. Here is how W. plans to use environmental policy to destroy the power of the remaining blue states and ensure his brother Jeb’s victory in 2008:

Policy: Decreasing the Size of Wildlife Conservation Areas
Blue Target: Hawaii

No state counts on its unique natural beauty to attract tourists more than Hawaii. By shrinking the areas reserved for endangered plants and animals on all of the islands, Bush will begin to make Hawaii look exactly like the rest of the United States. The aroma of Cinnabon will replace that of plumeria. Erosion will destroy coral reefs. All of Lanai will be converted to a giant Wal-Mart. Soon, visitors will ask themselves why they are paying thousands of dollars to drink a Mai Tai in the Maui Applebee’s or “get lei-ed” while being squawked at by pigeons instead of serenaded by birds that look like they are made of rainbows. Once the visitors stop coming, Bush will convert the tourist information kiosks into army recruitment centers. With no other options for employment, 85 percent of Hawaiians will enlist. Fearful that their jobs will disappear in a party shift, they will vote Republican in 2008.

Policy: Relaxing the Clean Water Act
Blue Target: Maryland, Delaware, and Pennsylvania

Democrats love their water. Kerry windsurfs. The Kennedys sail. Californians hang ten. Those in the Mid-Atlantic region get their kicks drinking clean H2O. But the Bush administration plans to remove protections on streams and wetlands in this area. This will leave three million people with the option of chugging tributary swill that is unprotected by pollution regulations or relocating to Texas, where aqueducts will transport purified water from the newly melted glaciers. This massive “thirst flight” will deplete state treasuries, leading to school closings and infrastructure collapse. Once most Mid-Atlantic dwellers have moved to gated communities in Texas that lock from the outside on election day, Bush will turn their former homeland into a giant water park where vacationers can jet-ski without restrictions on fuel spills or waste-dumping. It will be such a popular destination that when “Rebs for Jeb” holds a fundraiser there in 2007, it will take in record-breaking amounts of cash.

Policy: Underfunding Nuclear Weapons Disposal Programs
Blue Target: Washington, D.C.

The...


Duggan | University of California Press Gardels